Bernie The Ninja

So I'm at my friend Rick Flanagan's wedding. Flanagan is a fellow teammate and classmate of Stevo's. As such, Flanagan has invited Stevo to his wedding. Big mistake. Open bar + Stevo + formal event = Disaster. Here's how it unfolded;
Flanagan comes from a traditionally large Irish Catholic family. He's got a whole bunch of brothers and sisters. His family is made up of well-educated, successful, upstanding members of the community. His father and brothers all have pale Irish skin, New Joisey accents, and pursue sedentary occupations such as business and medicine. All the Flanagan's look like they wouldn't hurt a flea, even after a half-dozen Guinnesses. They are small, friendly, quiet folks. Which makes brother Bernie Flanagan's career-choice all the more fascinating. You see, Bernie is a ninja.
Now all of us on the team have heard Rick tell us that his brother is a ninja. Rick is not one to lie, or even exaggerate things. So if he says his brother is a ninja, as preposterous as it sounds, I have to believe it.
For years we had quizzed him on what exactly his brother does as a Ninja.
Does he assassinate people in the night? No.
Does he wear an all black costume with a face mask? Sometimes.
Is he an expert at throwing stars? Yes.
Does he carry a sword around? Not all the time.
Does he live in Japan? San Francisco, but he travels to Japan to study with Ninja masters.
Could he be in the room right now without us knowing it? Definitely.
How does he make money? He teaches other people to be ninjas.
Will he be at your wedding? He RSVP'd yes.
Will we be able to see him at the wedding or will he be invisible? Hard to say.
Will he teach us Ninja moves? Probably not, he's a pretty reserved guy.

I arrived at the wedding, excited to see Flanagan, excited to see Stevo, but most excited to see Bernie the Ninja. Once I get to the reception, Rick points out Bernie. He looks like Rick, only perhaps less athletic. He stands alone in a dark suit, scowling. I'm dying to go up and ask him about Ninja stuff, but I'm scared. What if he slices my head off with his concealed sword? What if he climbs the wall and does a flying roundhouse to my skull? What if he flings three throwing stars into my chest before I even get one word out?

I come up with a better solution. I'll get Stevo to ask him about Ninja stuff.
I bring a beer over to Stevo. "Hey man, did you check out Rick's brother, the ninja? He's right over there."
Stevo; "Oh YEAH! I forgot he was gonna be here! I gotta talk to THAT guy."
Me; "Well wait a minute man, have a beer or two, let people mingle a bit, and when the band starts we'll go talk to him."
Stevo; "Cool man, good idea, let's fuckin DRINK!"

Six beers and only one hour later...
Me; "Hey Stevo, you think you could take on Bernie the Ninja?"
Stevo; "What? THAT pussy? I'd fuckin rock his WORLD. I don't believe in that Ninja BULLSHIT."
Me; "You think Ninja stuff isn't real?"
Stevo; "REAL? Are you fuckin kiddin me? That's fucking comic book crap. Does he look like a fuckin Ninja? I don't think so. He's just another New Jersey COCKSUCKER!"

At this point a few elderly members of Flanagan's family are staring at Stevo.
I know this is going to be good. We're going to find out once and for all what kind of Ninja Bernie really is.

Stevo walks over to Bernie, followed by me and a couple of our Dartmouth teammates.
Stevo thrusts out his hand; "Hey Bernie, I'm Stevo, pleased to meet you."
Bernie eyes him skeptically, takes his hand, and mumbles something.
Stevo: "So I hear you're a NIN-JA." (sarcastic accent on the -JA)
Bernie: "Mmmm."
Stevo: "So, like, that means you can kill people with one finger right?"
Bernie: "Mmm-Hmmm."
Stevo: "So, you could take me out with one shot huh?"
Bernie: "Uhhh...yeah."
Stevo: "So? Lets see it."
Bernie: "Huh?"
Stevo: "You say you can take me out with one finger, let's see you do it."
Bernie: "No."
Stevo: "Oh, so you can't do it?"
Bernie: "No...I WON'T do it."
Stevo: "Why not?"
Bernie: "Cause I'm at my brothers fucking wedding, you moron."
Stevo: "Oh I see, you're only a Nin-JA, outside of weddings huh? Maybe you need your little black costume, and your sword?"
Bernie: "Fuck you."

At this point it hits me that Stevo is taunting a real ninja. And this ninja is a no bullshit kinda guy. And he is getting pissed off.

Stevo: "What? Is there some kind of ninja CODE about fighting at weddings? Or can you only fight in defense of your honor or some shit? Here, let me make it easier for you." Stevo gets to within a few inches of Bernie's face.
Bernie: "Step the fuck away, or.."
Stevo: "Or what? You'll drop a smoke bomb and disappear behind the wedding cake?" Then Stevo pokes him in the chest.

We all take a step back at this point as clearly, a line has been crossed. All of us except Stevo.

Bernie pauses a moment as if to re-assess the situation. Then, in a lighting fast move, his right arm thrusts from his side and he strikes Stevo in the sternum with what appear to be just his index and middle fingers, curled to the knuckle.

Stevo falls flat on his back. He is flopping like a fish out of water, clutching his chest, unable to breathe or speak. We all stand over him enrapt. Bernie looks down at him and says; "I could have killed you." and calmly walks away.

Stevo recovered, with only a deep bruise. He now believes in Ninjas.